How to ask questions without people wishing death upon you (a guide)

The first day of the Melbourne Writers Festival is almost at a close. With the onset of the weekend and more and more crowds pouring into various events, I thought it might be helpful to post a small, yet thoughtful, guide to the art of asking questions. Towards the end of each session the audience is invited to talk directly to the speaker/s they have excitedly come to see. It sounds wonderful, and it is, but it’s not without its pitfalls. So dear reader, read on.

1. Be prepared.
Asking a question is a lot like ordering in a cafe. Don’t wait until the last second to fumble through your handbag to find your purse, you are holding everyone else up. Think of your question as loose change – add it up in your mind before handing it over. People love getting exact change, and they love exact questions even more.

2. It is the size that counts
Keep your question short. If you can’t say what you need in one sentence, then you don’t really understand what it is you’re trying to say. So if you’re not sure what you’re asking, imagine how everyone else will feel. You don’t want your mouth to be ground zero for an explosion of furrowed brows.

3. One question, that’s all folks.
Writers like writing. They love their writing in particular, and they love talking about their writing almost as much as fantasizing about giant golden idols of their likeness erected outside public libraries. So every time you’re wrestling the microphone out of the poor volunteer’s hands to ask a second follow up question, you’re greedily taking the spotlight away from a writer. Big mistake. The moment you move the focus off an author is the moment they invent a character that looks exactly like you who will be killed off horribly in their next book.

4. Don’t open with a joke.
It’s not open mic night. You’re not the best man in a wedding speech. Just ask your question. The volunteers have all been equipped with iPhone apps that play crickets chirping, and they WILL use these ruthlessly.

5. Avoid being too clever
You’ve bought tickets to see some of the great intellectuals of the world engage in heated debate and passionate analysis. You chose mental stimulation over watching television. We get it, you’re clever. You have nothing to prove at this point. Foisting a novella of a question upon a speaker usually makes you seem like a twat, unless you’re trying to stump Jonathan Franzen during his keynote address, that’s actually pretty damned funny.

6. Save it for your fan fiction.
It’s wonderful that you’re so invested in the characters the author has created. It’s just that when you ask about the likelihood of the lead character hooking up with a roving band of sexy space gypsies, you have painted yourself into a creepy, creepy corner.

7. Beware the doubt loop
The doubt loop occurs when you haven’t really planned out your question. As the words tumble out of the lower part of your head, the top part begins to doubt the relevance of those words and tries to overcome this problem by throwing more words at it. It’s like trying to put out a fire by smothering it in petrol. Take a breath, pause for a moment to reflect on what you’re trying to say, and try again. If you’re truly frozen with panic, don’t even finish your question. Just tap your finger on the side of your head with a smirk and say “Never mind, I’ve already figured it out. Jesus I’m awesome”

There you go, a few key things to remember.
Further to this list I would add: If you’re watching an all female panel discuss relationships in fiction. Do not ask why there isn’t a guy on the panel, and if that is symptomatic of the stereotype that men don’t enjoy talking endlessly about relationships. Jane Smiley will freeze you with her mystical ice powers and spit directly into your heart. Especially when the audience is 99% female and you preface your question with “As the only bobbing dot of testosterone in a sea of estrogen”. Lesson learned.